I keep thinking about that same word he said and I remember vividly his voice, his almost moan while saying it, where his hands were, where I was, his face. It echoes through me and it shocks me, mind and body.
I feel sorry for the old man, but it was stealing. There is no apparently about it. Water is not free, it’s not a right to have it, and people pay must pay for it. If a government gives a thing to you like utilities, its still not free because they take it from somewhere else, like in taxes.
my friend visiting my house: hey i’m thirsty can i get a glass of water
to make the story more clear, i need to clarify a few things that i didn’t know would be important when i wrote the last update: when we saw each other before the dinner and we talked about his gf, i told him that sometimes admitting a defeat is the hardest part of the end a relationship. somewhere deep down we know it, but saying it to ourselves and most of all to the other person is what can take some time. he said that i was right and that probably was going to end it in April, cause it was becoming unbearable for him.
now, let’s continue where i left last:
yeah, i sent him that song and deleted the text after he saw it
he replied asking if i was busy the following evening, to which i replied no, and joked about the deleted text.
we don’t text for the following two days and he doesn’t tell me anything about the evening.
at 2am friday night he sends me back the same song i deleted on wednesday night.
half of me has a stroke, the other half a panic attack.
we joke a bit about it and other stuff.
he asks me again if i’m busy that night, i say no, again.
i don’t hear from him until sunday evening.
i was out at the cinema with a friend, arrive home at like 10pm, my dad was there, we chat.
at 10:50 i check my phone and i see that he had texted me at 10:30 saying that he was waiting outside my house.
i fucking freak out and i two minutes i’m out the door
we’re sitting on a stairway on the road
we talk about generic stuff but i see he’s stressed, conflicted almost
in a moment of silence he droppes the bomb: he’s left his gf
i am literally speechless
after wednesday night, when we got home, he thought about what i had said to him on admitting the defeat and he started writing his “breakup speech”. i don’t remember if they talked on thursday or friday night. they broke up on video call.
he says that he didn’t leave her for me but what happened in bruxelles shook him. btw, i want to highlight that never for a second i thought he would leave her for me, like they had problems far older than my involvement.
he started saying shit like he dreamt of me when he back to rome after two years of no dreaming at all and us having conversation about it in bru. he told me jokes made by MY COUSIN like that he should stop thinking about me or that they would see each other at home next xmas. he told me that bru was amazing, that he really enjoyed the weekend, that the french girl he was fucking regularly was nothing compared to me. at some point we were joking about something and I said to him that we could do a rewatch of LOTR, he looked at me with so much intensity, said that would be fucking amazing but that right now he didn’t have the time, so he said that he would love to do a rewatch of euphoria s1, looked at me and asked me if I would want to do it. I said yes, but he has never said to do it together and never used the plural. super confused. he told me his (ex)gf was jealous of me cause he never had a female friend but he assured her that i, being his bff cousin, was off limits. yeah right. he told me a lot more but i dont remember cause everything “nice” he said was followed by someting to create distance, like how he didn’t want a relationship, he didn’t want stability, he didn’t want to move to slovenia and fall in love with slovenian girl, he wanted to keep living the “single life” as he has been doing for basically the last two years and other stuff.
he said that he would still meet his ex this weekend and that she would still go visit him in april. he said it was the last hope to hold on to. i was a bit taken back by that comment. after a few seconds he corrected himself saying that that was the wrong expression to use and apologised.
when it was time to say goodbye he said the that he had hoped i would let him come upstairs. i told him it was not possible cause my father was there and apologised. he said that he was prepared for that being a possibility.
he got back home walking. we talked a bit in the meanwhile
he suggested to meet one of the following nights. i told him i would be home alone the following three nights. we agreed for monday.
i am fucking confused, like my brain is foggy and i have no fucking clue what has just happened and why he would tell me all this stuff.
i dont sleep.
the next morning he texts me canceling for that night and apologising. he says it’s not the right moment and he shouldn’t have asked me in the first place. i tell him that i understand and there’s no problem at all.
it’s the only thing that made sense in his behaviour that night.
we did see each other on christmas and a had a few beers
no, we did not kiss
no, they didn’t break up (yet)
yes, i did visit him but on february
yes, i got drunk and yes, i did kiss him cause i was dying to
yes, we did sleep together (twice)
the second time was actually his birthday
no, we did not had a threesome (maybe another time)
there was nothing romantic about it, but we both admitted that there was always tension
his best friend does know. his best friend is my cousin that is also like a best friend for me. they pranked me ito thinking that my cousin got mad when told about it
i saw him again two days ago. we talked a lot. he said the was seriously thinking about leaving his girlfriend by april. we talked about that and I said some things about relationships.
we had dinner with friends and i got drunk
after i got home, at like 1am, i sent him “can I?” by drake, cuz that song does things to me
after a few hours, AFTER he saw the text, i deleted it
cause denying things is better that dealing with them
this morning i had an extremely sex dream about him, and at some point i think i made noises out loud and i have no idea if someone was home or not…
i might think about him more that i should
CONCLUSION: i feel like i’m exposing myself again to someone, letting my wall down but in an unconscious way that leads me to do stupid shit when i’m drunk and have stupid dreams about him and be fucking happy that he wants to break up with his girlfriend and overall i’m losing control. i don’t like it, mostly because he’s not available and this will lead me nowhere, and even if he was available it wouldn’t mean that i have a shot. that he likes me. so i’m really scared, i’m really struggling: hope is the last one to die but i don’t wanna get hurt. not again. i don’t think i could handle it.
so i decided that i won’t do stupid shit again. we can be friends and we can sleep together, but i can’t let myself go in that direction. i need to keep my shit together and hold my nerves.
I like how I smile when he texts me. I blush like a 12 years old and I smile for entire minutes after just thinking of him. God I’m such a simp. It makes me laugh how much I am. But I adore having crushes, imagining all the possibilities, bending reality to my will, to my need.
So when we text or we call and we talk about his girlfriend or about my ex bf and he tells me that he’s coming home for Christmas I can imagine that we will see each other, we’ll have a beer, maybe a few, and at some point I’ll have the gut to go to him and kiss him and that he’ll kiss me back cause he’d wanted to do that for a long time, hopefully for as long as I had. I can imagine that no one will know, especially his best friend.
I can imagine that his girlfriend will break up with him on the 26th of December. I can imagine that in January, when he has left again, I will go visit him and we will spend the nicest evening together, having dinner and fooling around, just as the date he had with this other girl. And the next evening we’ll go to a pub with his friends, outside will be snowing, and I’ll meet a girl that I like and that I think he’ll like too and I’ll gift us to him. “It’s my Christmas present for you”, I’ll say. He’ll say that the night before had been his present. I will blush and I will smile. “Then this is your early birthday present”.
My imagination stops here. I suppose my subconscious knows. But I lull myself in this fantasy as if I was basking in the sun in a hot spring afternoon. It warms me and it distracts me from the fact that, once again, I fall for those who will never feel the same for me.
His hand slowly sneaks up his side, carelessly raising a bit his t-shirt. He yawns and stretches, the hem has now passed the trousers and a small portion of skin is now visible. He’s chatting, probably making a joke. Sitting beside me, almost in front of me. I see it. And when I can’t see it I long to.
Skin that appears soft but firm at the same time, a slight V finishing underneath the trousers and light hair grows towards the center of the stomach. A few moles and maybe some freckles. The sight of his fingers almost touching it leave me sinful flashes of him, receiving pleasure, maybe from his girlfriend or simply by himself, the way I want to as well.
I can’t help but peek. I try to make it as quick as possibile but my eyes are so glued to that pink spot, it feels like I’ve been looking forever. Treacherous things, my desire, my sight. Bending time at will, erasing all noises and other useless things that could distract me. To alleviate my thirst and hunger, I only think about the possibilities.
I can’t help but imagine. It’s one of my favourite parts on a man’s body. Licking, softly biting and kissing and caressing. And going down, there. Just sliding my fingers over, feeling the warmth irradiate from the skin and making my breath laboured. Saliva glistening on the skin, tongue reaching as far as it can; moans in his throat send vibrations to my core. I dream of kneeling in front of him, I have access to everything or just that fraction. I don’t care, the taste of skin, slightly salty because of sweat, makes me wet as hell.
I can’t help but feel aroused. I enjoy his presence, his brain, his voice and attitude. I like how he doesn’t raise his voice and looks me in the eyes when he talks to me, how he search for my eyes when in a discussion. I like how he sneaks behind his girlfriend and lazily hugs her, how comfortable they are in the presence of others. I like how and what he types on his laptop. I try to distance my thoughts from this dangerous fantasy before I get caught but a part of me doesn’t really seem to care.
I look at her, trying to make her understand without using words. And she looks at me, unwaveringly.
“Do it” - she repeats
“You don’t know what you’re talking about” - I reply
“I think I do. I give you my permission” - she all but says
I try to not show any emotion but I am surprised. Shocked, I’d dare.
I keep staring at her, looking for any sign confirming her statement as a joke. I find none and my eyes briefly land on him, who had been staring at me all along.
I look at her again, she nods.
Now I look back at him, more secure.
Again, I try to mutely convey my message.
His face is motionless, yet his eyes hold an intensity I now share. I break from his gaze and quickly observe his face feature. I know his face, I have looked at him every day for months and yet, some things look always new, not conquered.
I almost gasp for air, the anticipation gives me goosebumps.
I stand up. He stands up too.
Eyes are on us, in suspense.
I walk to him and he gets closer as well.
We stand close, mere millimetres divides us.
One breath, mine, and at the same time another, his.
Then, no breath at all.
The bottle spins, I hear voices cheering again as the game restarts.
